Now that I've caught you up on the fun stuff.... here comes a harder note, and with this comes a lot of venting... so make yourself comfortable. I'll try to make this as short as possible (but that won't happen)....
So I woke up this morning and the first thought in my head was, "what can I even fit into today" ... not, "what am I gonna wear".... cause that would just be too easy. But what in my closet could I actually wear to work that will be appropriate and I won't lose a button during the day.
Such a depressing question to have to ask yourself.
Alright, so let me take you down my little meandering road of weight real quick. I've danced all my life, right? So I have never been the skin and bones lil girl ever, just hasn't been me... I got the hips, I got the curvy figure and the big thighs and calves... just how it goes when you're a dancer. Even at my smallest, I'm still "thick". In Junior High and early High School had a little bit of an eating disorder, which to this day don't know how I did it or why cause I was a healthy girl. After High School, I went on to try out for the world famous Rangerettes.... which is an AMAZING dance team. I mean, I have danced all my life and taught dance, it was just my thing. I truly did breath it and live it and I felt it in my body and I was good at it. After a week of strenuous emotional and physical try outs, I was turned down. WHY? I know there were girls that made it that didn't kick higher, have better rhythm, lines, etc.... Come to find out when I got my scores in the mail later, I had amazing scores, but at the top right corner was carefully written in cursive "Your showmanship and dancing is amazing, kicks are great, but you MUST lose 20 pounds!" ........ ummmmm I was 136... I'd die if I got down to 115. Plus, training with them I would have toned up, no problem and MAYBE lose 10. So there it was, the one that I had a passion for and was really good at, kicked to the ground... First failure in my whole life...
So since then, I have gone up and down several times, done everything you could imagine from Quick Weight Loss Program (which I got back down to 134 and then just went nuts).... the Cabbage Soup diet, signed up for numerous gym memberships, weight loss pills (stupidly)... just anything and everything. I know EVERYTHING there is to eating right and working out. But with me, it's always feast or famine. The second I mess up on a diet, I let myself down and go crazy over the first tub of ice cream I see and start planning my next meal of how yummy it will be. It's such a shameful and guilty feeling and it stinks. It was like a big neverending circle of being depressed, eating, depressed cause you ate... blah blah blah blah.... Thankfully, Noel has taught me to see that I'm still a sexy beast... hehehe.... and to love my body more than I ever did before. Now, I guess it is more of an annoyance than it is completely depressing for me, but there's still those moments. I just hate being sooooooooooooo self consious!
Well, this is the week for the gears to be put into motion!!!!!
I've been reading this book that I actually started last week and am already on pg. 200.... it is called "YOU on a Diet: The Guide to Waist Management".... by Dr. Oz, who is always on Oprah. The book is absolutely amazing and I love it. It breaks down how your body works from the chemicals that tell you that you're hungry and full, to how food breaks down in your system... just everything from a science perspective, almost just understanding your body. What is the best part about the book is how yo-yo dieting is so bad for you and dieting period is just not good, simply because of those times you want that one piece of garlic bread and everything goes to hell in a handbasket after you have some. It teaches you how fat effects your whole body and health. Just everything it talks about, I really haven't thought about.... mainly because its from a scientist's perspective, which makes it great!................... So I was just reading this chapter about the emotions of why one puts on so much weight which really got me thinking. It talked about how we almost use weight as a cover up, to hide, for an excuse... to not go out, to not climb the stairs, to not have to become a failure..... AND THEN IT HIT ME! This craziness happened after I failed the one thing that meant the most to me and it was the first time ever.... so maybe did I put on this weight to create an impossibility to dance and create an excuse instead of it actually being me? I mean, it makes total sense of what triggered it all. Then add horribly bad relationships and self image and doubt ontop of that.... BOOM, there's all that explanation of the James Coney cheese fries and Marble Slab trips.
I mean here I am 5' 4" and I know I weigh more than my 6'2" 30 yr old brother. I gotta get over this and it starts today.... not a diet or any kind of goal weight. Just a range to get down to with no set timeline. And the best thing about the book, it shows you that a woman's waist should be an avg of 32 1/2" and health risks increase after 37" .... nothing about "this is your weight range for this height".... I am going to make it my goal to not get on a scale for 6 months, and just worry about my measurements once a month. (That was also another downfall I would have, I would get on a scale compulsively... which in turn if I gained one pound, there went all my positive thoughts and willpower) So here it goes, my Christmas present to myself, to be healthy by Christmas, to not be self-consious in everything I do, to be able to dance again! Wish me luck and if you're around me ... don't order a damn queso!!!!